I'm a little different. I'm okay with it. I find it odd that people get rat-faced knowing that they will inevitably wake up with a babbelas from hell. Some people drive while drunk. Others drive too fast without consideration for others. Some people are mean – some are verbally abusive – some are physically abusive. I find this all somewhat disquieting.
I can be mean. I am articulate and psychologised. When someone provokes me I can confound them with a flawless smorgasbord of words that touch the very rawest of nerves. It is hard to win an argument with me.
Over time I have learned to be less mean by removing the people who consistently provoked me from my life. I have my mental health to look after and despite things still being hard for me, the lack of consistent conflict with the same people has been hugely helpful in containing me.
Most people seem to manifest self-destructive behaviour in some way.
I can be mean to myself. My self-talk isn't always that kind and I have to remind myself to be mindful. I also cut myself when I feel un-contained. It is awkward that I have scars on my wrists and legs. No-one feels embarrassed when they have a hang-over, some even boast about it as if it is cool (I disagree!) No-one asks what happened to your wrists. It is all very un-com-fort-able - even my psychiatrist's secretary got upset when she saw some pictures of my wrists (FFS, you work for a pdoc, grow some!) and I was kind enough to apologise. However, this is my self-destructive behaviour of choice. It might be different to what you know as normal, it might make you feel awkward or uncomfortable. It is a coping strategy that could be less radical and permanent in terms of scars, but it is MY coping strategy... Simply allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel about this, without jumping to a way to solve it; because I think we really need to feel these things, even if the feelings are uncomfortable. Can you try and understand that there are other ways of being even if you don't understand or feel comfortable with those ways of being?